I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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