Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
