Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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