theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
