Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He better not be in your backpack
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
