Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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