I skipped work to stalk him.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
