Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
