im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
