In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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