I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
