Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
