if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
