Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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