While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
