The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
MIDGETS
????
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
