I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
