I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
