We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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