Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
