She said her name was "party"
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I think my moral compass just broke
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
