omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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