My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
