I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
