Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
