for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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