I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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