please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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