guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
