note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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