I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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