I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
