There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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