the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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