Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
