filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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