and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
