i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
