If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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