the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
