i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
