this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
