I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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