Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
