The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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