My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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