if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
