is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
