remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
