Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
